On the spur of the moment, I went to a women’s retreat last Saturday. Hosted by Stephanie Schoolmeester, the Rise and Awaken retreat is designed to help women transform their limited beliefs into personal power – something that sounded just like what my soul currently needs. When my friend asked me just three days before the retreat if I wanted to go, I didn’t even research it. I just listened to my heart and said, “Yes!”
I’ve been struggling recently with worthiness and my own love-ability, for many reasons. It’s been a lifelong struggle, to be completely transparent. Somewhere along the way I picked up and internalized a message from society that told me that I had to be a Good Girl and do things for other people in order to be loved. I have traditionally equated approval with love. If someone approves of me or what I do, then they might like or even love me. I don’t know where I picked up this limiting belief, but one thing I know for sure is that it hasn’t served me well. I see now that it kept me wearing masks throughout my life, pretending to be who or what I thought other people wanted me to be instead of just being myself. This dishonesty has hurt me and has hurt others and left me feeling empty and alone. I want to be free of the belief that approval = love, but I don’t yet have faith in any other belief system.
Enter Jewels the horse. Jewels was a VIP at the Rise and Awaken retreat. This gentle horse has quite the backstory. Jewels was bred to be a racehorse, and that was her purpose in life … but as it turned out, she was not destined to be a racer. She couldn’t be raced or even ridden. She was actually scheduled for euthanasia when Stephanie Schoolmeester (the retreat’s beautiful leader) met her.
Even though Stephanie was looking for a horse to race and knew that Jewels couldn’t be that for her, something inside of Jewels called to her. She had to buy the horse, even though it wasn’t the horse she thought she was looking for. Their early days were rough, and more than a few tears and drops of blood were shed. It turns out that Jewels was not destined to race, but she was in fact meant to heal. Today, she helps heal people from all walks of life in whatever physical, emotional or spiritual ailments they have.
Our exercise during the retreat was simple – to ask Jewels to walk with us, using the power of our open hearts. We were to place our right hand on Jewels’ heart and our left hand on our own, and then simply walk in a circle with trust that she would follow us.
Did I forget to mention that I am not exactly an equestrian? I love horses, but my previous experience with them has been limited to a few horseback rides on camping trips and maybe a gentle stroke of a nose at a petting zoo. I didn’t know where or how to touch Jewels or how to even breathe next to a creature as magnificently beautiful and powerful as her, with her glowing chestnut hair and giant, gentle, espresso-colored eyes.
As I sat watching my sisters walk with Jewels, a tiny nudge of a thought entered my brain. I suddenly realized I was a looking at a horse that was deemed unworthy. She could not race, so therefore she was essentially useless to people that may purchase her. And yet, Stephanie bought her anyway. Stephanie loved her anyway.
Jewels was worthy of love simply because she existed. She didn’t have to do a thing to earn that love. She got it because she was a divine creature of the Universe, and for that simple and incredible reason alone.
When I walked up to Jewels for our walk, I kept that simple realization in mind. “Jewels didn’t earn her love or do anything impressive to be worthy of love. She simply is, and she’s beautiful, and she transforms and heals by her very existence.”
With that in mind, I put my right hand on her heart and my left hand on my own, and I invited Jewels to walk with me. And she did.
I don’t know if a lifetime of struggles with worthiness can be healed with a simple walk, but I do know that a seed of understanding and hope was planted on that soil Saturday morning. Maybe I can start to receive the love that is my birthright as a being on this earth, and loosen the grip that the hustle for worthiness has had on me for far too long.
