“If you don’t love yourself, you have no business seeking love from others.” – Humble the Poet
Self-care and self-love are popular concepts these days. Everywhere I turn it seems there is another post or article about the importance of loving yourself or engaging in self-care. If it is so common to desire self-love, why does self-love seem so illusive?
So, what is love? Well, I tend to overcomplicate things. I can take a simple concept and add layers and intricacies that would rival a black widow spider web. I have lost count of how many times in my life I’ve asked, “Do I love him/her? Am I in love with him/her? How do you know what love is? Is what I’m feeling enough? Is this true love?”
When it comes to my own self-love, the questions are infinitely more complicated, and most stand as a testament to my actions and character. I’ve asked myself, “How can I possibly love myself after what I’ve done/what I’ve said? I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve said terrible things – and thought even worse things. No matter how I sugar coat things on the outside and try to present an acceptable front, I can’t hide those secrets from myself. I know what I did and what I said, and I know that those things were at times atrociously ugly.
And yet. I also know that those things aren’t me. In my core, I know that I have a tender heart full of compassion and empathy. I have sorrow and pain but also joy and love. The same hands that typed out a passive aggressive response to a stranger’s Facebook post have also packed love notes into mundane school lunches, wiped tears from her son’s face and entwined themselves with her husband’s while watching Schitt’s Creek. There is ugliness, but there is also beauty.
Let’s look at the word “love.” Often we think of the word as simply a noun – a feeling that we have for a person or a thing, an emotion that we either have or don’t have. Yet the word “love” has equal, if not arguably more importance, as a verb. “Love” is not simply a feeling that we may or may not possess. Love is an action. It is a thing that we do.
In that context, it becomes much simpler to love. You don’t have to reach some heightened super-emotion or achieve a grandiose and indefinable state of being. You simply have to love. To act with tenderness, compassion, kindness and care.
Do you love yourself? It’s easy enough to look at your actions to see if you do. Do you give yourself adequate rest, nourish your body with healthy and delicious foods, and allow yourself room to breathe? Do you brush your teeth, comb your hair and wear clean clothing?
That’s a start.
Often, what we look for when we seek love from others is companionship, care, concern, empathy, forgiveness, grace, kind words, laughter, appreciation and/or affection. How much easier would it be to give those things to yourself rather than seek them outside of yourself?
Do you listen to your own thoughts and honor your feelings? Do you forgive yourself for your errors and try to do better the next time? Do you laugh at your mistakes? Do you appreciate your body, your mind, your work? Do you smile at yourself in the rearview mirror? Do you talk to yourself with kind words?
Christine Hassler often poses the question, “If you treated your friends the way you treat yourself, would you have any friends?” The question is often greeted with laughter because of its inherent truth. The things we say to ourselves are often unspeakably cruel.
It’s time that we stopped that.
Let’s start speaking kindly to ourselves, appreciating ourselves, nourishing ourselves, celebrating ourselves, and having fun with ourselves. Let’s start loving ourselves.
